SOUTH PADRE ISLAND — Spring Break and the Island.
The week lies spread before you like a magic glittering carpet, or maybe glittering like a beach full of empty beer cans.
It’s magic time, kids.
Be smart and you can generate a lifetime of memories. Be stupid and you’ll generate huge legal bills, or worse.
Yes, if you’re not careful the next seven days can produce a few nightmares — things worse than sand in your beer bong. Although that can be pretty bad.
Dudes and dudettes, Ol’ Uncle Bruce is going to show you how to survive Spring Break.
I’ve been partying on that overgrown sandbar they call the Island since your parents were at Spring Break.
Here are some tricks I’ve learned to minimize the bummer factor and take your Spring Break to the next level.
MR. SUN — Nothing spoils your fun faster than becoming Lobster Man from a second degree sunburn. It doesn’t exactly look good; you seem to be perpetually embarrassed — as you should. A bad sunburn makes it look like you don’t know how to really party.
Then there is the touch factor. You have little chance of meeting Mr. or Ms. Right if you scream every time someone touches you.
“Hi, I’m fabulously wealthy and just wanted to say …”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA,”
“ … that I’m needed back on my planet. Gotta go!”
The way to solve this problem is to slather suntan lotion all over your body. This especially goes for your ears and the back of your neck.
Try a sun protection factor (SPF) of 15 or better. Make that an SPF of 30 or higher if you have very light skin.
Reapply suntan lotion often. Find a friend and have them do your back. Use the lotion for a massage. When the subject starts to snore, it’s been a success.
Should you get a burn, treat liberally with the juice from fresh aloe vera plants.
YOUR HEAD — Ladies, I know you are tired of seeing guys with a baseball cap nailed to their head. But it does afford some protection.
Visors do not work. They just make a bullseye for the sun.
WATER — Believe it or not there is something you can drink this week without bubbles.
Carry a jug of water and drink it. Use the old camping trip trick and offer to carry the water. As the day goes on, your load becomes lighter.
Don’t try to drink everything at once. Be cool and laid back and you can party longer and stronger.
Trust me on this: passing out on the beach leaves a bad taste and several thousand grains of sand in your mouth.
JEWELRY — Wear as much of it to the beach as you can.
You see, there are Winter Texans who wander the beach every morning carrying metal detectors. They need to make payments on the RV. They will truly appreciate all of the jewelry you lose.
THIS SAND AIN’T YOUR SAND — If you want to be close to the beach action, don’t be surprised if someone steps on your towel or blanket.
If you go for a walk, don’t be surprised if your little space on the beach looks like Georgia after Sherman’s march to the sea.
The beach belongs to all of us. Be nice and try not to step on anybody else’s stuff.
If someone steps on your stuff, act like an adult and grin and bear it. If neatness is your main concern, try the pool area or the dunes.
TRUE LOVE — Chances are at Spring Break you won’t meet Ms. Right (although it happened to my college roommate — almost. She ended up marrying a Turkish Air Force officer.)
It’s more likely she’ll be Ms. Right Now.
Practice safe sex. Always.
The Island may look perfect, but not everyone on it is perfect.
If you are not sure how to practice safe sex or are too embarrassed to ask your partner to practice safe sex, maybe it would be best for you not to practice any sex at all.
FREE DRINKS — Do not accept free drinks from strangers unless they were delivered by a waitress or bartender.
There are incidents every year of date rape drugs being slipped into drinks.
BUDDY SYSTEM — Do not travel by yourself. Don’t go to parties alone. If you have too much fun and pass out with strangers, trouble awaits.
This can take the form of good, clean fun such as taping someone to patio furniture, covering them in empty beer cans or taking interesting photos.
If you pass out some place alone there are very real dangers such as robbery and rape.
Use the buddy system. Especially, if you’re going to a party with strangers.
Go as a group and leave the same way. You should be like the Green Berets: never leave your buds behind.
DOWN MEXICO WAY —There are a lot of great nightclubs and restaurants in Matamoros, Mexico.
However, you must remember this is another country, not an adult amusement park. If you misbehave, the Mexican police will not be amused.
They take a much dimmer view of antics such as public urination.
Our neighbor to the South uses Napoleonic law: you are guilty until proven innocent. Once in a Mexican jail, it can be a long and expensive process to get out.
Remember to take the proper documentation with you so you can get back into this country. Do not joke with the nice people at the border wearing the badges.
I have just two words for you: Cavity Search.
They are serious people doing a serious job.
DRIVING — Always have a designated driver. This is especially true if you go to Mexico.
Take the keys away from anybody who is drunk. Be sneaky if it’s needed to succeed. Try telling them “Hey, those won’t do you any good: those are my keys.”
OUR FRIENDS IN BLUE — The first rule of dealing with the police is to be polite. Don’t argue and don’t fight: you can’t win.
Chances are this guy is tired of seeing everybody having a good time and giving him nothing but trouble.
He’s also there to make sure you don’t do something stupid.
If your friends get busted, say goodnight to them for the evening. You won’t be able to get them out until morning.
Don’t ask to have your picture taken behind bars. The police do not think it’s cool — neither will future employers.
TATTOO YOU — If your friend wants to get a dozen body piercings and a tattoo on her forehead, tell her to sober up before she decides to go through with it.
I think any future political aspirations will be ruined if she has a flaming skull between her eyes.
Remind her that alcohol thins the blood and she’ll bleed all over that new white outfit. You know, the one that shows off her sunburn so well.
Once she’s sober, go for it. Charlie Manson has certainly made a name for himself despite the tattoo on his face.
The Island has several excellent tattoo artists.
DARES — When somebody challenges you to do something stupid — such as jump off a building — don’t be stupid. Laugh at them and encourage others to laugh as well.
TWO FORKS — It’s been a hard week, try one of the Island’s excellent restaurants. The kind that give you cloth napkins and metal forks.
You deserve a break from eating things served in a paper wrapper. Your stomach will thank you for it.
BARE FACTS — There are laws against nude sunbathing in the town of South Padre Island.
Those who want a tan without lines should travel north on the Island. Get out on the beach and drive until there is no one around.
For extra privacy, go over a dune. That was easy, wasn’t it?
IN THE SWIM — Remember all those crusty sailors in those bad movies? They’d scowl and say, “The sea is a harsh mistress. Arrrrrrrhh.”
They’re right.
There are strong currents and undertows on the Island. Again, the buddy system works best.
My theory on the Gulf: I don’t go out any further than I can walk back.
ZOO REVUE — Animal lovers should check out the Gladys Porter Zoo in Brownsville. It is home to several species not found in the wild anymore.
Okay, now you animals have a good idea how to have fun and live to tell the tale.
Of course, if your parents find out what you did or how much you spent doing it, they may kill you.
